I Feel

useless

alone

unnecessary

sad

stressed

fake

dramatic

overly sensative

pathetic

depedent

incomplete

ungrateful

its been a while since my last therapy session. thank you blogspot

the holidays
they make you feel amazing at times and then theres me. i always find a way to make the holidays make me feel like shit. looking back at all the shittty times. takes away all my positive thinking and hope.
makes me go back to the times when i didnt want anything to go on. just being happy is something i miss so much sometimes. and people ask me why and what they can do. nothing this is all in my head. i hate talking to people about it cause i know in the end i still wont feel better. i just tell them i do to take the heat off.
seriously.
just let me be happy.

little things

why do some of the smallest things seem to bother me the most.
" if she brings a date, which she probably wont."
kills the heart.

can i get out of my head
please

why do the smallest things seem to get to me? moreso, why do i let them?
a normal person wouldnt get upset or jealous or whatever it is i am, just by seeing a picture. really? im that lame? i remember when i was just happy with everything i didnt let things bother me. and i say i am that way now too, in a way i am. until it gets to my heart. why do i feel like my heart is so fragile? like i feel like i need to come with a warning label " sorry i tend to get upset about stupid things that shouldnt really upset me"

GAH

i wanna be normal.

" i'm so in love with you"

i just thought about something.
last night i watched a movie that made me want to curl up in a ball and cry about how unhappy i am sometimes. but then i thought about it and discovered if you have to be on medication to be soo in love with someone. then you know its not real. and then well i guess theres nothing for me to be jelous of . because its not real and it never will be because theres one thing missing.


REAL FUCKING FEELINGS!

doctor

so.i had a doctors appointment yesterday. i had all intentions of talking to him about two things. my face and whatever it is that is going on with it, and my weight and how i feel like i just keep putting it on and not beinable to get rid of it. i feel like ive tried everything. even when i was going to the gym 4 times a week and making myself workout an hour at a time. i didnt feel like i was seeing any sort of results. like i was working my ass off and nothing was happening. well its done nothing but get worse. im still just putting on weight week by week and im kinda disgusted by myself for letting it get to this point. but at the same time i. feel like there wasnt anything i could have done to prevent it. so i was talking to my doctor about it last night and he said due to my age, if i were to call my insurance and see if they would cover it, he would be more than happy to write me a reccomendation to a surgeon for the l- b/d procedure.
my jaw almost dropped when he said this. ive really been thinking abput that a lot lately. and i dont want to get myse
f pver excited for something i dont know will happen but i know if the oppoetunity presented itself i wuld 100% do it.
then i come into qork this morning and tell the one person i thought would understand and like support the idea and she was almost shooting it down i know this wont effect my decision but it just kinda sucks that this is the way they feel. but to each their own id rather know the truth.
so now today after i leave work im going to vall the insurance and talk to them about it. get the ball rolling asap to figure out what.i should do. m not letting myself get too excited since i have very little hope that the insurance will cover a surgery like this but im trying to keep a little bit of hope in me.
then if they.say yes . . . . time for me to get over my fear of surgery i suppose lol. but i think i could.manage it.
i just know i need something in the way of assistance because i feel like im doing nothing but getting worse the way i am. and theres nothing left to do but have hope and faith and try.