p.s. i got my new car yesterday

Danger!
Body:
Was there ever a time when you were driving down the road.......Tonight, I was driving down the road, feeling nothing but major depression, anger, and stress....so much to the point that my chest was in pain. Have you ever just stared straight ahead while driving, almost like tunnel vision, almost like you're not watching the road at all, but you body comprehends where the road curves and turns......and just slam on the gas pedal? You see nothing, you just black out, but you're still staying in your lane flying at extreme speeds for the small windy road that you're on, hoping that a dear or something that will stop you DEAD in your tracks will jump out in front of you, almost as if it would be a blessing. Then I look up into the light with tears now in my eyes staring at it for a couple minutes, kind of blurred....realizing that I'm staring at my garage door opener that just opened the door for me and was waiting for me to peacefully pull my car in. I hate this world sometimes, and the society that we live in today.-Mike

mike just posted this on myspace.

and it made me think. yes. i have done that. and its weird that someone else i know has.

i dunno, stuff like that happens to me and i dont think of it as something someone else i know would be going through.

not that ya they couldnt just they wouldnt.

its alost comforting to me to know im not the only one thinking this

but then i think again and its mike.

one of my friends whom i havent known long at all.

but theres something about him that makes me trust him.

he's an amazing person. awesome friend.

he's just an all around good guy

and im so glad i ever met him and got to have him as a part of my life

. nevermind got to.

hes still there

lol

it's just i kinda also realized.

ya know when you watch people on tv who have addictions

and theyre . . . no no no im fine i can stop

its really such an internal debate all the time.

theres nothing in the world that would make you want to stop yet theres all the reasons in the world

i hope that made sense

i think it did im just not sure if i used the correct wording,

even now

why trust anything im thinking or typing

the taste is in my mouth. . .

but its when you see those people in movies who finally realize the damage to themselves.

their lives

their bodies

their familys

and just thinking about this one thing that makes you so happy

makes you cry in pain

that you need something artificial or not to keep you going

the headachs that start when its adsence is realized.

the mood swings that rip relationships apart

the need for nothing more. . . .

and getting yourself in knowingly.

thats the part that eats at you the most.

and.

im talking to curt and i finally figured it out




thISforever87 (8:38:38 PM): its ok. i cant believe i still havent totally delt with my grandfathers death. two years ago today and i still wont let myself deal with it
thISforever87 (8:39:06 PM): i mean i have but it still hurts ya know. i know everyone feels it but it just left a hole in my heart and i still feel it



sums it up right there

thanksgiving. . .

i was looking forward to today all week
then i got sick sunday and ive had a cold all week

i was psyched cause its kinda cleared up mostly so i got to actually taste food today.
yay
yeah well.
that was almost the highlight of my day.


started off going out to walmart getting a pie crust and soda for my mom.
ok.
i looked at cars at winner while i was out there. only to be taunted with what i cant have
then i go home.
chill with my family and my mom wanted help in the kitchen.
i was fine until she yelled at me for almost using a spoon instead of a fork for the stuffing
i understand youre supposed to use a fork. the spoon was convient.
its not gonna kill it.
i left the kitchen when she yelled at me for that.
dinner. . ok.
were done and aparently its rip on liz night.
my sister made me feel like complete shit tonight.
no lie.
like she just killed me. and i really didnt want to go to my grandmas for dessert but she had to go to work so she wouldnt be there
i had left for like a half hour to go look at cars in franklin and at abc.
good thing i did
cause then i went home actually kinda excited and got knocked down cause i wont get them.

i mean be a bitch. whatever. but can we give it a rest for once?
can i get a break to be happy with SOMETHING in my life?
nope.
shes there to kill it.

i dunno it totally killed my day that she felt she needed to do it.
and all i wanted to do was come home all day
im so sick of the fake smile i had all afternoon.







not that today wasnt hard enough being the 2 year anniversary of my grandfathers death
but her giving me shit all night was just annoying


and it was all because i said something about her using my dads phone
whatever use it
i was only asking if you text on it
i mean it is my phone
my plan
i gave it to him yeah
but its mine
sorry if im worried about my bill.
some of us have bills to worry about
sorry


whatever. now im thinking about it again and im getting mad all over
AND i have to be AT work for 5am tomorrow so thats not making me happy at all.


i think i need to go smoke my head off and HOPE i get more tomorrow.



in fact. i think thats what i WILL do


night.

update?

yes.

it's true. i've strayed from this

lately.

well well well

i got 700 back from the old apartment.

gone

didnt send any to the credit card

honestly im not sure where a large chunk of it went

cars been acting up

it died saturday on my way home to do laundry and ive been contemplating ever since

im not one to freak out when ive got car trouble. i mean i know it can always be fixed

but dying. not cool with me

its really been bugging me.

and its gonna sound really really weird but i think ive figured out why.

you know people always drive around crapped out cars for so long before they actually just die.

well i dont want to be one of those people. it scares me

and i think its cause i hate getting help.

i dont like asking for help if it dont have to

id rather be able to do it on my own. this aparently includes fixing my car

i dont want to have to bring it into the garage twice a year to get stuff fixed.

i dont know. hey i admitted it would sound weird. but well.

i just need to decide now if im getting a new one or if im sticking it out with this one.

who knows

but i need to decide before the end of the week

i cant keep thinking about this all so hard

its honeslty getting to me

and i now need to go to sleep cause im sick and i have to be to work in the morning

and i know im gonna get my ass chewed out by a customer who wants something done

and well i fucked it up not once not twice but now three times.

and hes been great up till now

but i have a 100% feeling im getting ripped a new one tomorrow when he comes back in for it and i dont have it again

whatever.

i hate my job. who doesnt

maybe thats why i like drugs?