days go by. .

so i purposly haven't shown links or anything to this

i wonder if people will stumble upon it

i kinda hope not. i want to be able to write what i want without worring about others feelings. honestly. i get tired of being nice sometimes. and im sure many of my friends have seen this.

its just too much sometimes to worry about myself and everyone around me.

i want to be a bitch. let it go.

i've decided recently i need to pay more attention to me. i try so hard to keep everyone around me happy, doing the extras working late covering. its basically all coming from work cause thats basically the only place i go

its just getting to the point where you dont feel appreciated in the slightest so you forgo the effort.

i just feel like i'm living each day like the day before it. nothing is changing.

and i'm getting sick of it. i'm trying. it just feels as if nothing is paying off.

we've been in the new apartment for a week and i still have a decent amount of stuff to unpack simply because i lack the enegry and or effort to unpack it.

i'm basically 100% broke until next friday and i think my internet may get shut off in a result. so i need to figure out how to prevent that one so i dont have to pay a reactivation charge.

it's just been a weird week. but we went shopping with my parents tonight and they bought us groceries so now at least we've got food.

there's still so many of the same things i want to change about myself. things i've wanted to change for years. yes i'm kindof making more of an effort but at the same time i'm kindof setting myself up. what i'm about to do, i need to stop. i know i do. but the thing is, i really don't want to. until i find something that can do the same thing in a healthier way, i wont. i'm being stubborn with my addiction. i've watched myself in the past year and a half as it developed. and yes. it's an addiction, but its one i dont want to quit. i've got a physical on the 25th since i'm seeing a new doctor, so he'll get to yell at me for it when i go. but i'm hoping that this might be the beginning of fixing a couple of problems i've got going on.

it would just be nice to feel normal. <>

but well. another day gone another to come. if i want this to work i know what i need to do and i know i need the support of the friends and family i value to accomplish it.