midnight bottle. . .

so until tonight I've been in a pretty good mood lately:

then i went to kickboxing tonight

i wrecked my legs doing the first exercises and couldnt do like half of what we followed it with

it sucked.

then on my way home since i wasn't in a good mood from that i started thinking of all the shitty things that have been popping up for me lately

lets begin.

Thanksgiving

this year thanksgiving is on the 22nd.

more commonly known to me as the anniversary of my grandfathers death

two years this november

and its on a holiday.

so that's gonna be hard.

all i can think about is the day everything happened.

melanie waking me up. the hospital. grandma's house after. my dads face. trying to be strong for his mom and sisters and make the phone calls. he couldn't.

it was the hardest day of my life outside of the funeral.

then we had christmas a month later.

grandpa's birthday is the 26th so we had a cake.

my cousin jodi and her husband frank made everyone scrapbooks about grandpa.

everyone cried again.

but this year. it's only the second anniversary and its ON a holiday. it'll definately be a day to remember what we've still got and be thankful for what we had.

mom's aunt

a couple weeks ago. last week i think. my mom told me the latest on her aunt.

my mom and her sisters are all estranged from their parents.

since they were little.

i've never met my biological grandmother or grandfather on my moms side.

the only grandparent i've ever known on that side of my family is my grandpa.

my mother and aunt's foster father.

but well her aunt was basically given 3-4weeks

my grandpa < mom's >

i never met his wife because she died two weeks before i was born.

but from what ive been told she was nothing more than just as amazing a person as he is.

he's now 96. almost 97 and he's been living in a nursing home for the past year. they didn't think he'd make it through christmas then hew years. but. he's still here.

proving people wrong.

well. it's official i guess you could say. he's slipped into dementia

my mom and dad were telling me about some of the stuff he's been talking about

but it all became real when i was at my parents last night finishing up my laundry and there was a message on the machine.

it was grandpa and he wanted my mom and dad to come up to visit <>

and take him down to the farm stand in windham cause they have the biggest watermelon in the world. and he grew it. its over 400lbs. and he wants them to see it and take pictures for him.

it's the biggest one he's ever grown.

this might sound silly to anyone else but its nothing more than heartbreaking to me.

my grandfather has always been a farmer.

3 acres of yard, nothing but garden.

anything. he's grown it. and better than anyone else i've ever met. he devoted his life to it and i feel he's perfected the art.

it's so heartbreaking to realize he's slipping.

and to hear him saying all this on the answering machine. he truely believes it and i want nothing more than to find a 400lb watermelon and take him to see it, let him think it's his.

i know its not healthy to play along with it but its what i want.

all this stuff just started backing up in my mind and now im processing it.

i dont want to lose anyone.

i'm still not used to my grandpa (dad's) being gone.

and its been just about two years.

then my dad and i were talking and in two days itll be one year since my car accident

not major. but that was scary as hell

and i dunno. im letting stuff get to me.

i know it shouldnt

its all a part of life and things happen.

but theres people i dont want to let go of.

i want more than 20 years with these people.

i only got 18 with my grandpa. ,

i wanted him at my wedding.

more than anything.

both of them

my dad

then i started thinking about my dad. and everything he's been through in the past not only year but few years.

he's come SO far.

and i am afraid for him everyday. i know he's not in danger anymore since the surgery.

but theres other things that could happen.

and i've told people, he's the one person who i could never do without.

but theres no reason to think about that

he's gonna live another 50 years.

and nobody will tell me different

me

i guess i just needed to get this all out.

clear my head.

i have a feeling now until the new year may be interesting.

those i love. please just stick by me.

i'm gonna need you now more than ever.