hmm

current away message reads:

: i dont know what kind of mood im in right now. i think i just need a hug :

thats the only way i can think to put it
my mom just called literally just got off the phone.
her aunt died last night.
then she adds in that my dad had possible skin cancer removed from his head today.





all of this added into my night last night of little to no sleep
and weird weird dreams.








i think im going crazy.

revelations 1:1

• I'm having a really hard time figuring out where i stand in life
• part of me wants to be excited about the work thing
• another part of me is saying "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU CALL HER BACK!"
• and then theres this other part which is simply me in a big white room banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why i didnt just GoToCollege~!

I wonder what would have been different. what would i not have had to
suffer
through. but at the same time i would have missed SO MUCH already. not to
imagine what is to come. There is one single thing i am trying to find

and it seems to be the hardest thing for me to possibly find. please, someone . help me.

p.s. i got my new car yesterday

Danger!
Body:
Was there ever a time when you were driving down the road.......Tonight, I was driving down the road, feeling nothing but major depression, anger, and stress....so much to the point that my chest was in pain. Have you ever just stared straight ahead while driving, almost like tunnel vision, almost like you're not watching the road at all, but you body comprehends where the road curves and turns......and just slam on the gas pedal? You see nothing, you just black out, but you're still staying in your lane flying at extreme speeds for the small windy road that you're on, hoping that a dear or something that will stop you DEAD in your tracks will jump out in front of you, almost as if it would be a blessing. Then I look up into the light with tears now in my eyes staring at it for a couple minutes, kind of blurred....realizing that I'm staring at my garage door opener that just opened the door for me and was waiting for me to peacefully pull my car in. I hate this world sometimes, and the society that we live in today.-Mike

mike just posted this on myspace.

and it made me think. yes. i have done that. and its weird that someone else i know has.

i dunno, stuff like that happens to me and i dont think of it as something someone else i know would be going through.

not that ya they couldnt just they wouldnt.

its alost comforting to me to know im not the only one thinking this

but then i think again and its mike.

one of my friends whom i havent known long at all.

but theres something about him that makes me trust him.

he's an amazing person. awesome friend.

he's just an all around good guy

and im so glad i ever met him and got to have him as a part of my life

. nevermind got to.

hes still there

lol

it's just i kinda also realized.

ya know when you watch people on tv who have addictions

and theyre . . . no no no im fine i can stop

its really such an internal debate all the time.

theres nothing in the world that would make you want to stop yet theres all the reasons in the world

i hope that made sense

i think it did im just not sure if i used the correct wording,

even now

why trust anything im thinking or typing

the taste is in my mouth. . .

but its when you see those people in movies who finally realize the damage to themselves.

their lives

their bodies

their familys

and just thinking about this one thing that makes you so happy

makes you cry in pain

that you need something artificial or not to keep you going

the headachs that start when its adsence is realized.

the mood swings that rip relationships apart

the need for nothing more. . . .

and getting yourself in knowingly.

thats the part that eats at you the most.

and.

im talking to curt and i finally figured it out




thISforever87 (8:38:38 PM): its ok. i cant believe i still havent totally delt with my grandfathers death. two years ago today and i still wont let myself deal with it
thISforever87 (8:39:06 PM): i mean i have but it still hurts ya know. i know everyone feels it but it just left a hole in my heart and i still feel it



sums it up right there

thanksgiving. . .

i was looking forward to today all week
then i got sick sunday and ive had a cold all week

i was psyched cause its kinda cleared up mostly so i got to actually taste food today.
yay
yeah well.
that was almost the highlight of my day.


started off going out to walmart getting a pie crust and soda for my mom.
ok.
i looked at cars at winner while i was out there. only to be taunted with what i cant have
then i go home.
chill with my family and my mom wanted help in the kitchen.
i was fine until she yelled at me for almost using a spoon instead of a fork for the stuffing
i understand youre supposed to use a fork. the spoon was convient.
its not gonna kill it.
i left the kitchen when she yelled at me for that.
dinner. . ok.
were done and aparently its rip on liz night.
my sister made me feel like complete shit tonight.
no lie.
like she just killed me. and i really didnt want to go to my grandmas for dessert but she had to go to work so she wouldnt be there
i had left for like a half hour to go look at cars in franklin and at abc.
good thing i did
cause then i went home actually kinda excited and got knocked down cause i wont get them.

i mean be a bitch. whatever. but can we give it a rest for once?
can i get a break to be happy with SOMETHING in my life?
nope.
shes there to kill it.

i dunno it totally killed my day that she felt she needed to do it.
and all i wanted to do was come home all day
im so sick of the fake smile i had all afternoon.







not that today wasnt hard enough being the 2 year anniversary of my grandfathers death
but her giving me shit all night was just annoying


and it was all because i said something about her using my dads phone
whatever use it
i was only asking if you text on it
i mean it is my phone
my plan
i gave it to him yeah
but its mine
sorry if im worried about my bill.
some of us have bills to worry about
sorry


whatever. now im thinking about it again and im getting mad all over
AND i have to be AT work for 5am tomorrow so thats not making me happy at all.


i think i need to go smoke my head off and HOPE i get more tomorrow.



in fact. i think thats what i WILL do


night.

update?

yes.

it's true. i've strayed from this

lately.

well well well

i got 700 back from the old apartment.

gone

didnt send any to the credit card

honestly im not sure where a large chunk of it went

cars been acting up

it died saturday on my way home to do laundry and ive been contemplating ever since

im not one to freak out when ive got car trouble. i mean i know it can always be fixed

but dying. not cool with me

its really been bugging me.

and its gonna sound really really weird but i think ive figured out why.

you know people always drive around crapped out cars for so long before they actually just die.

well i dont want to be one of those people. it scares me

and i think its cause i hate getting help.

i dont like asking for help if it dont have to

id rather be able to do it on my own. this aparently includes fixing my car

i dont want to have to bring it into the garage twice a year to get stuff fixed.

i dont know. hey i admitted it would sound weird. but well.

i just need to decide now if im getting a new one or if im sticking it out with this one.

who knows

but i need to decide before the end of the week

i cant keep thinking about this all so hard

its honeslty getting to me

and i now need to go to sleep cause im sick and i have to be to work in the morning

and i know im gonna get my ass chewed out by a customer who wants something done

and well i fucked it up not once not twice but now three times.

and hes been great up till now

but i have a 100% feeling im getting ripped a new one tomorrow when he comes back in for it and i dont have it again

whatever.

i hate my job. who doesnt

maybe thats why i like drugs?

dont move in with anyone
until youre married and have to


seriously

<3

my head's been in the clouds all weekend.

and i'm starting to get used to the altitude :)

perhaps . . . . . i like a new boy?

it starts in my soul, and i loose all control

i'm finally letting myself admit it.

i'm falling back in love with him.

+ and i don't know if i want to +

I don't care what anyone thinks. i get so excited when i think about how much i love you.

so i think the world is smiling down on me this past week.
i just had an awesome week.
minus the insane pain i was in till yesterday from kickboxing
i had so much fun
missed brad in the group
but i want it to stay like this
i've been in an awesome mood lately.
wednesday the 18th was the 1 year anniversary of my accident
that was weird
then thursday i chilled
friday work then i hung out with felicia
my driver window's been working
we went to burger king last night and they TOTALLY fuked up our order
but it was so much better. . . lol
chilled at curts TWICE this week?!?!
once with andrew and curt
and then last night with felicia curt adam kelli and their friend adam.
it was so much fun
i miss that
his puppy is ADORABLE!
i want to steal him but curt keeps telling me no.
chilled with felicia again today
went and got renegade food and bedding stuff so i can clean his cage tomorrow
and i got a new betta. name to come.
brad doesn't know it yet but i sent him a message that said think of a boy name
and whatever name he tells me is the fish's name.
lol
im creative like that
im hopefully gonna get up for breakfast tomorrow morning.
its only been ya know three weeks since i told my parents id go



this week at work is gonna be weird since im in copy center all week,
and i have thursday off
so i have to work satruday. .
weird.
but i'm there till 5 a few days so i'll actually get to see curt.




it'll be nice.

midnight bottle. . .

so until tonight I've been in a pretty good mood lately:

then i went to kickboxing tonight

i wrecked my legs doing the first exercises and couldnt do like half of what we followed it with

it sucked.

then on my way home since i wasn't in a good mood from that i started thinking of all the shitty things that have been popping up for me lately

lets begin.

Thanksgiving

this year thanksgiving is on the 22nd.

more commonly known to me as the anniversary of my grandfathers death

two years this november

and its on a holiday.

so that's gonna be hard.

all i can think about is the day everything happened.

melanie waking me up. the hospital. grandma's house after. my dads face. trying to be strong for his mom and sisters and make the phone calls. he couldn't.

it was the hardest day of my life outside of the funeral.

then we had christmas a month later.

grandpa's birthday is the 26th so we had a cake.

my cousin jodi and her husband frank made everyone scrapbooks about grandpa.

everyone cried again.

but this year. it's only the second anniversary and its ON a holiday. it'll definately be a day to remember what we've still got and be thankful for what we had.

mom's aunt

a couple weeks ago. last week i think. my mom told me the latest on her aunt.

my mom and her sisters are all estranged from their parents.

since they were little.

i've never met my biological grandmother or grandfather on my moms side.

the only grandparent i've ever known on that side of my family is my grandpa.

my mother and aunt's foster father.

but well her aunt was basically given 3-4weeks

my grandpa < mom's >

i never met his wife because she died two weeks before i was born.

but from what ive been told she was nothing more than just as amazing a person as he is.

he's now 96. almost 97 and he's been living in a nursing home for the past year. they didn't think he'd make it through christmas then hew years. but. he's still here.

proving people wrong.

well. it's official i guess you could say. he's slipped into dementia

my mom and dad were telling me about some of the stuff he's been talking about

but it all became real when i was at my parents last night finishing up my laundry and there was a message on the machine.

it was grandpa and he wanted my mom and dad to come up to visit <>

and take him down to the farm stand in windham cause they have the biggest watermelon in the world. and he grew it. its over 400lbs. and he wants them to see it and take pictures for him.

it's the biggest one he's ever grown.

this might sound silly to anyone else but its nothing more than heartbreaking to me.

my grandfather has always been a farmer.

3 acres of yard, nothing but garden.

anything. he's grown it. and better than anyone else i've ever met. he devoted his life to it and i feel he's perfected the art.

it's so heartbreaking to realize he's slipping.

and to hear him saying all this on the answering machine. he truely believes it and i want nothing more than to find a 400lb watermelon and take him to see it, let him think it's his.

i know its not healthy to play along with it but its what i want.

all this stuff just started backing up in my mind and now im processing it.

i dont want to lose anyone.

i'm still not used to my grandpa (dad's) being gone.

and its been just about two years.

then my dad and i were talking and in two days itll be one year since my car accident

not major. but that was scary as hell

and i dunno. im letting stuff get to me.

i know it shouldnt

its all a part of life and things happen.

but theres people i dont want to let go of.

i want more than 20 years with these people.

i only got 18 with my grandpa. ,

i wanted him at my wedding.

more than anything.

both of them

my dad

then i started thinking about my dad. and everything he's been through in the past not only year but few years.

he's come SO far.

and i am afraid for him everyday. i know he's not in danger anymore since the surgery.

but theres other things that could happen.

and i've told people, he's the one person who i could never do without.

but theres no reason to think about that

he's gonna live another 50 years.

and nobody will tell me different

me

i guess i just needed to get this all out.

clear my head.

i have a feeling now until the new year may be interesting.

those i love. please just stick by me.

i'm gonna need you now more than ever.

concerts and books

so, friday was the HURT concert in Hartford
so happy i went
i love them.
the whole show was awesome
i dunno im so happy now that ive seen someone rock a fucking concert
and theyre really good and i love their stuff now
i left with a poster from the table pic from cinder road one of the opening acts
and josh and i both bought the new cd that came out at the end of september
and i love it already.
i like josh. he's cool. mellows my sister out a bit. and he's just a cool kid i'm glad he's around.

so yeah, brads back in cali. . lucky fucker.
he's there with his mom till saturday. checkin on bri hangin out.
love them too. brad his sister his mom and felicia.
that whole family. lol
theyre awesome., and i love it.
OOO! hung out with felicia a few times yesterday. lol went to see her at work
went to michaels
then boarders
i got in cold blood. which i've always wanted to read
and another book by augusten burroughs
i figure i'm not in school i need to keep my brain moving somehow
so im trying to start reading again
then we went and got wendys on her dinner
she went back to work
i went home
she came over at 11 after work. . lol
we chilled talked about mad shit. it was cool
then i was looking at cellos on ebay and realized i could buy myself one for just over 200 with shipping. . .
i got so excited.
now i really want to start saving and get one like before chirstmas.
i want to play again so bad.
i'd totally be reteaching myself but i've got some of my old books and i can get some more
mad music stores around with books.
i think it would help keep making me happy.
ive been doing better at staying positive and trying to fix my life
i really think dan is helping with this kickboxing thing.
it KICKS MY ASS but i finally believe the whole " pain is good. as long as you feel pain you know you're still alive"
he says it all the time and now i believe him. lol.


ok. well time to get going with the day.
pet blessing at church. . lol. ah well abbs and nugget will be there with me.
i <3 them so it'll be fun. lol

buh bye.

music

i'm going to a Hurt concert tonight at the Webster with

my sister her boyfriend and her friend courtney

:-)

i've only been listening to them for about 4 days now. . .

since i found out i was going.

lol

but i like em.

ok.

im done now.

brad leaves for california again tomorrow.

which sucks. but maybe i'll get to hang out with felicia more again this week like last time

should be ok.

k.

NOW im done

I am so fucking bored.

yup. that's all

thoughts

so, ive been trying to sleep for the past 45 minutes.

so far not so good

i know i'm tired.

so exhausted from kickboxing tonight

yet. my mind is running so fast i cannot make myself calm down and go to sleep.i

basically i've had this pain in my back for a little over a year now.

i always assumed it was my kidney since i had a kidney stone when i was 14

and the pain is on the same side i had the stone on.

ive been to the ER over this they've dont tests and i could never figure out why i'm in such pain but they always say no. not the kidney.

now that i think i know what the pain really is. . . i've been doing nothing but thinking about it

and stressing about it

though it could be nothing and im sure it is

i've been having this same dream about it.

and it's beginning to scare me more and more.

i just need to go have it taken care of to put my mind at ease. . but it's so hard to sleep

and not think about it.

the whole idea of the unknown.

i don't like not knowing

espcially when it's concerning me

and my health

and my future

so i'm hoping by putting it all down in words i can somewhat clear my head and get some sleep

goddamn.

life'e a bitch.

trials and tribulations

oh yeah and i also decided today.

in church i might add

that i Will read the bible.

i've always wanted to. .

i'm not like super religious chick

if you've met me, you know

i just have always wanted to.

personel goal.

:)

cops and insence

so tonight i come home to a cop car in my driveway

a.k.a. my worst fear

and another across the street.

and two cops on the porch

haha. it was bullshit between april's uncle (the girl downstairs)

and this guy across the street accusing him of something he didnt do

but then i remembered i left my one and only pair of work pants at my parents house

and i REALLY dont want to go get them

AND i Love my speakers on my computer.

<3

they're awesome.

and i love them even more when nobody is home so i can crank them

:)

i think im gonna go get my pants now. .

<3

ok, so i'm thinking this blog might help me out.

i just typed up that whole post.

cleared my mind.

smoked a bowl

and got 100% inspired on how i wanted to arrange my room.

like i know where i'm putting posters

and how i need to organize the stuff i'm getting rid of.

and i feel awesome.

though. it could be the thc reaching my brain

i don't care.

i haven't felt this good in a while. . .

<3

days go by. .

so i purposly haven't shown links or anything to this

i wonder if people will stumble upon it

i kinda hope not. i want to be able to write what i want without worring about others feelings. honestly. i get tired of being nice sometimes. and im sure many of my friends have seen this.

its just too much sometimes to worry about myself and everyone around me.

i want to be a bitch. let it go.

i've decided recently i need to pay more attention to me. i try so hard to keep everyone around me happy, doing the extras working late covering. its basically all coming from work cause thats basically the only place i go

its just getting to the point where you dont feel appreciated in the slightest so you forgo the effort.

i just feel like i'm living each day like the day before it. nothing is changing.

and i'm getting sick of it. i'm trying. it just feels as if nothing is paying off.

we've been in the new apartment for a week and i still have a decent amount of stuff to unpack simply because i lack the enegry and or effort to unpack it.

i'm basically 100% broke until next friday and i think my internet may get shut off in a result. so i need to figure out how to prevent that one so i dont have to pay a reactivation charge.

it's just been a weird week. but we went shopping with my parents tonight and they bought us groceries so now at least we've got food.

there's still so many of the same things i want to change about myself. things i've wanted to change for years. yes i'm kindof making more of an effort but at the same time i'm kindof setting myself up. what i'm about to do, i need to stop. i know i do. but the thing is, i really don't want to. until i find something that can do the same thing in a healthier way, i wont. i'm being stubborn with my addiction. i've watched myself in the past year and a half as it developed. and yes. it's an addiction, but its one i dont want to quit. i've got a physical on the 25th since i'm seeing a new doctor, so he'll get to yell at me for it when i go. but i'm hoping that this might be the beginning of fixing a couple of problems i've got going on.

it would just be nice to feel normal. <>

but well. another day gone another to come. if i want this to work i know what i need to do and i know i need the support of the friends and family i value to accomplish it.

Here we are again

So, it's been a year since i moved out of my parents house.

and in the past year so much has changed.

good and bad

and there are a few friends who actually stuck it out with me

through thick and thin

they were always there.

yeah maybe there were times when we didn't see eachother for a few weeks.

month even.

but then when thigs settled down we would get together and it would be as if nothing changed

we were always there for eachother

and this past year i've needed that more than ever before.

i never thought that going through the loss of a best friend ( not death )

would be so emotionally draining.

being that i never saw things going the way they have in the last year

the entire situation was a tough one for me.

there are still people telling me to get over it and move on.

honestly i have gotten so much better than i was in the beginning.

there was a point when i thought i wouldn't ever be happy about anything again

it just all hit me 1000x harder than i expected.

i just wanted to say thank you to the few key people who i consider my family.

you guys know who you are.

if i wanted to hang out till 2 am you were there and more than willing to sit

do nothing but drive around for an hour or two

text message when we should all have been doing something else.

my friends are what keep me going.

and now being a year has passed i KNOW i am a different person

but really, i'm exactly the same.

it sounds weird i know but i can tell i am different.

but i will always be me.

my spirit my attitude my personality. it's all still me.

and now i am looking forward to a new year passing

in a new apartment

new roomate

new friends that i already LOVE to death

old friends i will love forever.

i am finally beginning to be happy with where i am in life.

no i havent started college

no i dont have a new job

yes i'm generally broke from paying my bills.

but i am in a good place.

and i can only go up from here.

<3