I Feel

useless

alone

unnecessary

sad

stressed

fake

dramatic

overly sensative

pathetic

depedent

incomplete

ungrateful

its been a while since my last therapy session. thank you blogspot

the holidays
they make you feel amazing at times and then theres me. i always find a way to make the holidays make me feel like shit. looking back at all the shittty times. takes away all my positive thinking and hope.
makes me go back to the times when i didnt want anything to go on. just being happy is something i miss so much sometimes. and people ask me why and what they can do. nothing this is all in my head. i hate talking to people about it cause i know in the end i still wont feel better. i just tell them i do to take the heat off.
seriously.
just let me be happy.

little things

why do some of the smallest things seem to bother me the most.
" if she brings a date, which she probably wont."
kills the heart.

can i get out of my head
please

why do the smallest things seem to get to me? moreso, why do i let them?
a normal person wouldnt get upset or jealous or whatever it is i am, just by seeing a picture. really? im that lame? i remember when i was just happy with everything i didnt let things bother me. and i say i am that way now too, in a way i am. until it gets to my heart. why do i feel like my heart is so fragile? like i feel like i need to come with a warning label " sorry i tend to get upset about stupid things that shouldnt really upset me"

GAH

i wanna be normal.

" i'm so in love with you"

i just thought about something.
last night i watched a movie that made me want to curl up in a ball and cry about how unhappy i am sometimes. but then i thought about it and discovered if you have to be on medication to be soo in love with someone. then you know its not real. and then well i guess theres nothing for me to be jelous of . because its not real and it never will be because theres one thing missing.


REAL FUCKING FEELINGS!

doctor

so.i had a doctors appointment yesterday. i had all intentions of talking to him about two things. my face and whatever it is that is going on with it, and my weight and how i feel like i just keep putting it on and not beinable to get rid of it. i feel like ive tried everything. even when i was going to the gym 4 times a week and making myself workout an hour at a time. i didnt feel like i was seeing any sort of results. like i was working my ass off and nothing was happening. well its done nothing but get worse. im still just putting on weight week by week and im kinda disgusted by myself for letting it get to this point. but at the same time i. feel like there wasnt anything i could have done to prevent it. so i was talking to my doctor about it last night and he said due to my age, if i were to call my insurance and see if they would cover it, he would be more than happy to write me a reccomendation to a surgeon for the l- b/d procedure.
my jaw almost dropped when he said this. ive really been thinking abput that a lot lately. and i dont want to get myse
f pver excited for something i dont know will happen but i know if the oppoetunity presented itself i wuld 100% do it.
then i come into qork this morning and tell the one person i thought would understand and like support the idea and she was almost shooting it down i know this wont effect my decision but it just kinda sucks that this is the way they feel. but to each their own id rather know the truth.
so now today after i leave work im going to vall the insurance and talk to them about it. get the ball rolling asap to figure out what.i should do. m not letting myself get too excited since i have very little hope that the insurance will cover a surgery like this but im trying to keep a little bit of hope in me.
then if they.say yes . . . . time for me to get over my fear of surgery i suppose lol. but i think i could.manage it.
i just know i need something in the way of assistance because i feel like im doing nothing but getting worse the way i am. and theres nothing left to do but have hope and faith and try.

how is it that i let something grab such a hold on me.
something as small as a book series.
it seems to have taken over all of me
im always thinking about it
about the whole story.
i know this means simply ive found a writer who i enjoy
who can really pull me in
but its more than that. i feel like i want it
i want my life to be that of the main characters.
i loved everything about these books
the danger the devotion the lust.
why do i want so incerdibly things i seem to be unable to get for myself
things that are quite normal
i cannot seem to grasp them, let alone hold onto them.


the only thing.



more than anything...so much more.

My heart has a mind of it's own

and it isn't happy

oh and the last post. as i knew it would happen.

hasn't been begun at all yet.

i basically knew this would be the way it went.

i do have intentions to try though.

it's weird the ideas people get. . .

Today

April 6th 2008

At 5:55 Pm.

I have decided to set a goal for myself.

Something i've wanted to do for a long long time now.

I am going to atempt to read the bible before i turn 21

this gives me 146 days at approx 30 pages a day to do this.

Nothing would make me happier.

I honestly cannot believe i'm finally going to try to do this.

now i just need to find my bible.

and get some motivation.

*wish me luck!*

hmm

current away message reads:

: i dont know what kind of mood im in right now. i think i just need a hug :

thats the only way i can think to put it
my mom just called literally just got off the phone.
her aunt died last night.
then she adds in that my dad had possible skin cancer removed from his head today.





all of this added into my night last night of little to no sleep
and weird weird dreams.








i think im going crazy.

revelations 1:1

• I'm having a really hard time figuring out where i stand in life
• part of me wants to be excited about the work thing
• another part of me is saying "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU CALL HER BACK!"
• and then theres this other part which is simply me in a big white room banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why i didnt just GoToCollege~!

I wonder what would have been different. what would i not have had to
suffer
through. but at the same time i would have missed SO MUCH already. not to
imagine what is to come. There is one single thing i am trying to find

and it seems to be the hardest thing for me to possibly find. please, someone . help me.

p.s. i got my new car yesterday

Danger!
Body:
Was there ever a time when you were driving down the road.......Tonight, I was driving down the road, feeling nothing but major depression, anger, and stress....so much to the point that my chest was in pain. Have you ever just stared straight ahead while driving, almost like tunnel vision, almost like you're not watching the road at all, but you body comprehends where the road curves and turns......and just slam on the gas pedal? You see nothing, you just black out, but you're still staying in your lane flying at extreme speeds for the small windy road that you're on, hoping that a dear or something that will stop you DEAD in your tracks will jump out in front of you, almost as if it would be a blessing. Then I look up into the light with tears now in my eyes staring at it for a couple minutes, kind of blurred....realizing that I'm staring at my garage door opener that just opened the door for me and was waiting for me to peacefully pull my car in. I hate this world sometimes, and the society that we live in today.-Mike

mike just posted this on myspace.

and it made me think. yes. i have done that. and its weird that someone else i know has.

i dunno, stuff like that happens to me and i dont think of it as something someone else i know would be going through.

not that ya they couldnt just they wouldnt.

its alost comforting to me to know im not the only one thinking this

but then i think again and its mike.

one of my friends whom i havent known long at all.

but theres something about him that makes me trust him.

he's an amazing person. awesome friend.

he's just an all around good guy

and im so glad i ever met him and got to have him as a part of my life

. nevermind got to.

hes still there

lol

it's just i kinda also realized.

ya know when you watch people on tv who have addictions

and theyre . . . no no no im fine i can stop

its really such an internal debate all the time.

theres nothing in the world that would make you want to stop yet theres all the reasons in the world

i hope that made sense

i think it did im just not sure if i used the correct wording,

even now

why trust anything im thinking or typing

the taste is in my mouth. . .

but its when you see those people in movies who finally realize the damage to themselves.

their lives

their bodies

their familys

and just thinking about this one thing that makes you so happy

makes you cry in pain

that you need something artificial or not to keep you going

the headachs that start when its adsence is realized.

the mood swings that rip relationships apart

the need for nothing more. . . .

and getting yourself in knowingly.

thats the part that eats at you the most.

and.

im talking to curt and i finally figured it out




thISforever87 (8:38:38 PM): its ok. i cant believe i still havent totally delt with my grandfathers death. two years ago today and i still wont let myself deal with it
thISforever87 (8:39:06 PM): i mean i have but it still hurts ya know. i know everyone feels it but it just left a hole in my heart and i still feel it



sums it up right there

thanksgiving. . .

i was looking forward to today all week
then i got sick sunday and ive had a cold all week

i was psyched cause its kinda cleared up mostly so i got to actually taste food today.
yay
yeah well.
that was almost the highlight of my day.


started off going out to walmart getting a pie crust and soda for my mom.
ok.
i looked at cars at winner while i was out there. only to be taunted with what i cant have
then i go home.
chill with my family and my mom wanted help in the kitchen.
i was fine until she yelled at me for almost using a spoon instead of a fork for the stuffing
i understand youre supposed to use a fork. the spoon was convient.
its not gonna kill it.
i left the kitchen when she yelled at me for that.
dinner. . ok.
were done and aparently its rip on liz night.
my sister made me feel like complete shit tonight.
no lie.
like she just killed me. and i really didnt want to go to my grandmas for dessert but she had to go to work so she wouldnt be there
i had left for like a half hour to go look at cars in franklin and at abc.
good thing i did
cause then i went home actually kinda excited and got knocked down cause i wont get them.

i mean be a bitch. whatever. but can we give it a rest for once?
can i get a break to be happy with SOMETHING in my life?
nope.
shes there to kill it.

i dunno it totally killed my day that she felt she needed to do it.
and all i wanted to do was come home all day
im so sick of the fake smile i had all afternoon.







not that today wasnt hard enough being the 2 year anniversary of my grandfathers death
but her giving me shit all night was just annoying


and it was all because i said something about her using my dads phone
whatever use it
i was only asking if you text on it
i mean it is my phone
my plan
i gave it to him yeah
but its mine
sorry if im worried about my bill.
some of us have bills to worry about
sorry


whatever. now im thinking about it again and im getting mad all over
AND i have to be AT work for 5am tomorrow so thats not making me happy at all.


i think i need to go smoke my head off and HOPE i get more tomorrow.



in fact. i think thats what i WILL do


night.

update?

yes.

it's true. i've strayed from this

lately.

well well well

i got 700 back from the old apartment.

gone

didnt send any to the credit card

honestly im not sure where a large chunk of it went

cars been acting up

it died saturday on my way home to do laundry and ive been contemplating ever since

im not one to freak out when ive got car trouble. i mean i know it can always be fixed

but dying. not cool with me

its really been bugging me.

and its gonna sound really really weird but i think ive figured out why.

you know people always drive around crapped out cars for so long before they actually just die.

well i dont want to be one of those people. it scares me

and i think its cause i hate getting help.

i dont like asking for help if it dont have to

id rather be able to do it on my own. this aparently includes fixing my car

i dont want to have to bring it into the garage twice a year to get stuff fixed.

i dont know. hey i admitted it would sound weird. but well.

i just need to decide now if im getting a new one or if im sticking it out with this one.

who knows

but i need to decide before the end of the week

i cant keep thinking about this all so hard

its honeslty getting to me

and i now need to go to sleep cause im sick and i have to be to work in the morning

and i know im gonna get my ass chewed out by a customer who wants something done

and well i fucked it up not once not twice but now three times.

and hes been great up till now

but i have a 100% feeling im getting ripped a new one tomorrow when he comes back in for it and i dont have it again

whatever.

i hate my job. who doesnt

maybe thats why i like drugs?

dont move in with anyone
until youre married and have to


seriously

<3

my head's been in the clouds all weekend.

and i'm starting to get used to the altitude :)

perhaps . . . . . i like a new boy?

it starts in my soul, and i loose all control

i'm finally letting myself admit it.

i'm falling back in love with him.

+ and i don't know if i want to +

I don't care what anyone thinks. i get so excited when i think about how much i love you.

so i think the world is smiling down on me this past week.
i just had an awesome week.
minus the insane pain i was in till yesterday from kickboxing
i had so much fun
missed brad in the group
but i want it to stay like this
i've been in an awesome mood lately.
wednesday the 18th was the 1 year anniversary of my accident
that was weird
then thursday i chilled
friday work then i hung out with felicia
my driver window's been working
we went to burger king last night and they TOTALLY fuked up our order
but it was so much better. . . lol
chilled at curts TWICE this week?!?!
once with andrew and curt
and then last night with felicia curt adam kelli and their friend adam.
it was so much fun
i miss that
his puppy is ADORABLE!
i want to steal him but curt keeps telling me no.
chilled with felicia again today
went and got renegade food and bedding stuff so i can clean his cage tomorrow
and i got a new betta. name to come.
brad doesn't know it yet but i sent him a message that said think of a boy name
and whatever name he tells me is the fish's name.
lol
im creative like that
im hopefully gonna get up for breakfast tomorrow morning.
its only been ya know three weeks since i told my parents id go



this week at work is gonna be weird since im in copy center all week,
and i have thursday off
so i have to work satruday. .
weird.
but i'm there till 5 a few days so i'll actually get to see curt.




it'll be nice.